Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hate: Being unmotivated

#7:
This rant is mainly about the lack of motivation I have toward fitness.

I used to take tae kwon do when I was 13, (it's true, I am Chinese after all). I really loved it. Something about taking all the agression I had out on someone else, usually male, felt very fulfilling. Everything I hated about myself, my life, my confusion about life and who I was; none of it mattered when I was memorizing steps and formations to get my next belt. I was really good at it too. I kicked some major ass and got all the way up to getting my second-degree red belt. Next belts from there were brown and then black. Unfortunately, my last lesson occurred when I couldn't find the inner strength to jump over gym mats stacked higher than my height at the time. The fear crept in my stomach and my mind, and voila! I sprained my ankle. The first time I'd ever seriously hurt myself. Being an only child, my mother freaked out and had me quit. I never felt right about any other kind of fitness routine since.

That was an entire high school sophomore ago.

After that I was never really the same. I had no motivation to get fit and work out. I was really sick in high school and got to skip gym class a lot. I always had a note from my doctor or my mom. The baby fat crept back on to my body. My mother was constantly motivating me with her words of encouragement throughout high school; "...boys don't like fat girls", "you need to suck your stomach in more, stop eating so much", and "did you work out today? You should work out, you're not looking so good". Thanks mom.

It just drove me to do the opposite of course. Nothing.

And now here I am, 30, still struggling with the annoying 5-10 lbs. that have failed to leave me in the last 7 years of my life, no matter what I do. Because I can never stick to something. Laziness always wins with me. EATING always wins with me.

So it's another day, where I'd vowed to work out tonight, and yet I'm still trying to justify doing nothing instead.

I've gotta stop talking to myself. I can be a major downer sometimes.

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